This is the time of year when divorced parents should settle on summertime access for their children. School and work can take a back seat during at least portions of the summer months as vacations and warm weather activities raise interesting possibilities. Usually it makes sense for our children to be with one parent most of the time and see the other parent on weekends or other scheduled access days. However, in the summer there should be more time available for the kids to spend with the parent they see less often through the year. Here are a few suggestions to keep in mind when figuring out the best summer access arrangements.
People and circumstances change. Children get older, their interests change and so do their needs. As a result, an access schedule that worked in the past may not continue to be in the best interests of the children now. Therefore, it is a good idea to take a fresh look at your summer access schedule and not just accept it because it has worked in the past.
You probably know by now that, as long as you and your ex agree, you may change the terms of access set out in a court order or separation agreement. Of course, the order or agreement would remain in force in case there is no agreement but it is not meant to tie your hands and prevent you from making new arrangements that better fits the needs and circumstances of your children as they get older. If you do make a change to the access arrangement is a good idea to write a doubt that for both you and your ex to sign it. This helps to avoid any misunderstandings.
Do not forget to seek input from the children when making your plans for summer access. It should be a priority for the children to spend extra time with the parent they see less of during the rest of the year. However, this time can be even more valuable if the children are not required to give up other activities they wish to participate in in order to spend the extra time with that parent. The older the child is the more important it is for that child to have his or her own time and engage in activities here she is looking forward to. Look for ways to become involved in the child's activities rather than for the child to always have to fit into your activities.
Special events call for special arrangements. This has application throughout the year but there are more likely to be special events during the summer. There may be birthdays, holidays, family reunions, special trips, etc. Where both parents cannot participate in these events with the children serious consideration ought to be given to which parent is most closely connected to the activity. It would be wrong for the children to miss out on Dad's family's reunion just because it falls in the middle of Mom's 3 week vacation. That is, unless Mom planned a special 3 week vacation trip making the trip and the reunion mutually exclusive. When events conflict consider which would be more fun for the kids and parent to spend together. Are there any special benefits the kids will get from one rather than the other activity? Will there be other opportunities to participate in the activity or is it a once-in-a-lifetime event?
The access parent who does get increased time with the children over the summer should plan to use that time to the best possible advantage. That means taking every chance to build, or in some cases rebuild, relationships with the children. The best way to do this is not just to make the kids the priority but to make it obvious to them that they have your attention. That might mean turning off the cell phone and waiting until bedtime to check your email. It might mean spending less time with other adults unless the children have already established a good relationship with them. Remember that the best activities are the ones that let you share time, words, thoughts, and dreams with your kids. This is fairly easy when children are young. Simply find ways to involve them in whatever you are doing and ways to involve yourself in their own play. For older kids it might mean watching them play a sport, followed by praise and/or consolation depending on how well they do. It should also mean allowing them to have input into what you do during access time. Leaving it entirely up to them might sound like a good idea but it usually is not. Giving them a choice of several attractive options, all of which you are prepared to live with, would be a safer way to go.
The most important thing to remember is that the children are best served by parents who are flexible and willing to cooperate with each other rather than those who are confrontational and rigid. Whether or not parents had separated they still need to negotiate with each other and make compromises when planning summer activities with the children. Close relationships can be maintained best when everyone's needs and interests are respected.
People and circumstances change. Children get older, their interests change and so do their needs. As a result, an access schedule that worked in the past may not continue to be in the best interests of the children now. Therefore, it is a good idea to take a fresh look at your summer access schedule and not just accept it because it has worked in the past.
You probably know by now that, as long as you and your ex agree, you may change the terms of access set out in a court order or separation agreement. Of course, the order or agreement would remain in force in case there is no agreement but it is not meant to tie your hands and prevent you from making new arrangements that better fits the needs and circumstances of your children as they get older. If you do make a change to the access arrangement is a good idea to write a doubt that for both you and your ex to sign it. This helps to avoid any misunderstandings.
Do not forget to seek input from the children when making your plans for summer access. It should be a priority for the children to spend extra time with the parent they see less of during the rest of the year. However, this time can be even more valuable if the children are not required to give up other activities they wish to participate in in order to spend the extra time with that parent. The older the child is the more important it is for that child to have his or her own time and engage in activities here she is looking forward to. Look for ways to become involved in the child's activities rather than for the child to always have to fit into your activities.
Special events call for special arrangements. This has application throughout the year but there are more likely to be special events during the summer. There may be birthdays, holidays, family reunions, special trips, etc. Where both parents cannot participate in these events with the children serious consideration ought to be given to which parent is most closely connected to the activity. It would be wrong for the children to miss out on Dad's family's reunion just because it falls in the middle of Mom's 3 week vacation. That is, unless Mom planned a special 3 week vacation trip making the trip and the reunion mutually exclusive. When events conflict consider which would be more fun for the kids and parent to spend together. Are there any special benefits the kids will get from one rather than the other activity? Will there be other opportunities to participate in the activity or is it a once-in-a-lifetime event?
The access parent who does get increased time with the children over the summer should plan to use that time to the best possible advantage. That means taking every chance to build, or in some cases rebuild, relationships with the children. The best way to do this is not just to make the kids the priority but to make it obvious to them that they have your attention. That might mean turning off the cell phone and waiting until bedtime to check your email. It might mean spending less time with other adults unless the children have already established a good relationship with them. Remember that the best activities are the ones that let you share time, words, thoughts, and dreams with your kids. This is fairly easy when children are young. Simply find ways to involve them in whatever you are doing and ways to involve yourself in their own play. For older kids it might mean watching them play a sport, followed by praise and/or consolation depending on how well they do. It should also mean allowing them to have input into what you do during access time. Leaving it entirely up to them might sound like a good idea but it usually is not. Giving them a choice of several attractive options, all of which you are prepared to live with, would be a safer way to go.
The most important thing to remember is that the children are best served by parents who are flexible and willing to cooperate with each other rather than those who are confrontational and rigid. Whether or not parents had separated they still need to negotiate with each other and make compromises when planning summer activities with the children. Close relationships can be maintained best when everyone's needs and interests are respected.
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