Fighting for child custody is scary, and probably something you've never done before. Your divorce judge, however, hears the same stories everyday, and may not even seem to be awake, never mind aware of how important the custody issue is to you. In fact, you may leave court wondering if your testimony was even heard.
Oddly enough, there is one other person in the courtroom who shares your view of the situation. It is not your lawyer, who, like the judge, probably finds your case typical. It is not your witnesses. They are on your side, but can't possibly have the same emotional investment in your children that you do. The person whose feelings are most similar to yours is the person who is fighting you for custody.
Your first thought might be to view this person as the enemy. If she didn't exist, there would be no question where your kids would live. Assuming you are not a registered sex offender or child molester, your kids would share your home without question if their other parent was not around.
There is no legal way to remove your ex from the equasion. This is good from your kids' perspective. They love both of you, and will be happiest if they are free to have a good relationship with each parent. In fact, your kids would be happiest if you can avoid fighting over them in the first place. The best thing that can happen to them and you is to design a custody order that gives you both as much contact with them as possible. That way, no one loses.
When you talk to each other about custody, remember, you both want what's best for your kids. You both want to continue being involved in their daily activities. If your kids are assured that you are each content with the custody situation, they will be under a lot less stress. Obviously, you and your ex will also benefit if they feel comfortable.
Be flexible about the children's schedules. Your court may have visitation or parenting guidelines. This document will tell you what visitation the noncustodial parent will have if the court has to make the decision. However, there is no reason for you not to be more generous with each other. The court will be happy to approve an agreement that maximizes each parent's opportunities to participate in the child's life.
Consider the child's activities. Maybe Dad can coach your son's Little League team, even if he makes his primary home with Mom. Maybe Mom can take your daughter shopping for school clothes, even if she sleeps at Dad's house.
Both parents should be realistic about child support. It is an important financial component of divorce. However, it doesn't have to all be paid by the noncustodial parent to the custodial parent. Child support is ordered so that one parent doesn't have all of the financial obligation associated with child rearing. If Dad uses his gas to take the daughter around to sell Girl Scout cookies, or Mom is the den mother for the son's Cub Scout troop, they are making a contribution. Giving them a break in the financial obligation may enable them to spend more quality time with the child.
Each divorcing couple has decisions to make. Whether they choose to work together, or leave their family's fate to the judge will have an impact on their satisfaction with the outcome. Couples are in a much better position to make their family's post divorce transition as seamless as possible under very difficult circumstances.
There is no one size fits all solution to the child custody issue. However, if parents take the time to discuss their kids needs and wants calmly and realistically, the final decision about the child's post divorce care is much more likely to be the best result for the whole family.
Oddly enough, there is one other person in the courtroom who shares your view of the situation. It is not your lawyer, who, like the judge, probably finds your case typical. It is not your witnesses. They are on your side, but can't possibly have the same emotional investment in your children that you do. The person whose feelings are most similar to yours is the person who is fighting you for custody.
Your first thought might be to view this person as the enemy. If she didn't exist, there would be no question where your kids would live. Assuming you are not a registered sex offender or child molester, your kids would share your home without question if their other parent was not around.
There is no legal way to remove your ex from the equasion. This is good from your kids' perspective. They love both of you, and will be happiest if they are free to have a good relationship with each parent. In fact, your kids would be happiest if you can avoid fighting over them in the first place. The best thing that can happen to them and you is to design a custody order that gives you both as much contact with them as possible. That way, no one loses.
When you talk to each other about custody, remember, you both want what's best for your kids. You both want to continue being involved in their daily activities. If your kids are assured that you are each content with the custody situation, they will be under a lot less stress. Obviously, you and your ex will also benefit if they feel comfortable.
Be flexible about the children's schedules. Your court may have visitation or parenting guidelines. This document will tell you what visitation the noncustodial parent will have if the court has to make the decision. However, there is no reason for you not to be more generous with each other. The court will be happy to approve an agreement that maximizes each parent's opportunities to participate in the child's life.
Consider the child's activities. Maybe Dad can coach your son's Little League team, even if he makes his primary home with Mom. Maybe Mom can take your daughter shopping for school clothes, even if she sleeps at Dad's house.
Both parents should be realistic about child support. It is an important financial component of divorce. However, it doesn't have to all be paid by the noncustodial parent to the custodial parent. Child support is ordered so that one parent doesn't have all of the financial obligation associated with child rearing. If Dad uses his gas to take the daughter around to sell Girl Scout cookies, or Mom is the den mother for the son's Cub Scout troop, they are making a contribution. Giving them a break in the financial obligation may enable them to spend more quality time with the child.
Each divorcing couple has decisions to make. Whether they choose to work together, or leave their family's fate to the judge will have an impact on their satisfaction with the outcome. Couples are in a much better position to make their family's post divorce transition as seamless as possible under very difficult circumstances.
There is no one size fits all solution to the child custody issue. However, if parents take the time to discuss their kids needs and wants calmly and realistically, the final decision about the child's post divorce care is much more likely to be the best result for the whole family.
About the Author:
Try to talk to your ex about the kids before getting into a fight over them. For more information, go to: Your Children, Your Divorce
